Corporate Gaslighting
This incident happened when I was 6-7 years old. My parents took me to our family doctor as I was not feeling well for a couple of days. The doctor asked me a few questions and then took out a syringe. Now at that time I did not have any memories of getting injections as an infant but I still felt fear at a primal level. I asked my parents if the injection is painful. My parents denied that vehemently. I relaxed… because why would my parents lie to me? Suddenly the doctor plunged the syringe into my arm and the intensity of pain was probably the same as the pain Sauron felt when Isildur struck him in the arm with his sword, Narsil. I manfully endured the pain and cried for only half an hour. Throughout that time, my parents repeatedly kept telling me ‘it's nothing, it's nothing’ and tried to distract me with chocolates.
Years later, I found out the name for what they were doing.
Gaslighting.
It is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or group makes someone question their own reality, memory or perceptions. It is often used to gain control over the victim by making them feel confused, insecure or dependent on the manipulator.
From that day, I stopped trusting my parents. Whenever my mom tried to serve me a new vegetable saying ‘you will like it’, I refused to eat it without even giving it a try. I was determined not to be gaslighted by my parents ever again. Little I knew that there were other entities who were all too willing to take up that responsibility.
‘It's Not Me, It's You’
Fast forward 20 years and I found myself sitting in front of my boss for my second ever appraisal. In my first appraisal, I had received a good hike but this time around, I knew that would not be the case. Our company profits, new customers added, revenues from existing clients etc all these parameters were down. So I had resigned myself for a lukewarm hike.
Boss: So Python, this year you will receive a hike of 7.5%...
As expected.
Boss:..because your performance was just average.
Not expected at all. Throughout the year, I had completed multiple assignments and at the end of every assignment, my boss had commended me. I mildly pointed this out to my boss.
Boss: Ah, I can see the confusion. I did not say your output was ‘good’ I said it was ‘good enough’.
Now this was just my second year of employment, my boss was way older than me and the confidence with which he made that comment about my performance, I felt unsure about myself. I left the appraisal meeting after promising to do better in the upcoming year.
But over the next couple of weeks, I kept thinking about the whole thing. I went through all my last year's mails and tried to find out if my boss ever found my performance wanting. I had discreet chats with other team members about my performance. And I realised that my boss had flat out lied to me. What really made me furious was not the low hike. I was not unreasonable enough to expect a big hike when the company itself was not doing well. My boss could have given me just that reason and that would have been fine. It's his gaslighting about my performance as a reason for the low hike that made my blood boil.
So I started searching for new jobs, found one and put down my papers within 3 months. I had high hopes that the gaslighting in the previous company was a one-off incident which will not be repeated further in my career. Goes to show how naive I was!
‘Everybody Does It’
Couple of months into this new job, a senior manager approached me and asked me why I did not reply to his mail sooner. I told him that though he mailed me yesterday evening at 7 PM, I saw it only this morning as I had left the office yesterday at 6:00 PM… just like I always do. He seemed surprised by this information
Him: Why do you leave the office at 6:00 p.m.?
Me(puzzled): Because our office hours are 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.
Him: But everybody in the office work at least till 8 PM
Me: They are welcome to do so though I must point out that many of them reach office by 12 PM. I work 10 to 6
Him: Is that so? By the way, don't you check your email once before going to sleep?
Me: No.
Him: What if there is an emergency?
Me: Then that person can call me. Though, I would prefer that it will not be a regular occurrence.
The senior manager did not say anything further to me though I later found out that he had complained informally to our Department Head. Surprisingly, the Department Head refused to do anything about it. Was it because he had better things to do? Or was it because he secretly agreed with my stance on work-life balance? I like to think it was the latter but my colleagues were of the opinion that he did not do anything because we both were from the same MBA college and that was enough for him to take my side.
Anyway, this was another attempt to gaslight me into doing something I did not want to do. And in the corporate world, this happens a lot in so many different ways.
Earlier in my career, one of my female colleagues reached out to HR about her boss asking her too many personal questions and making her uncomfortable. The HR dismissed her concern by saying that the boss is old fashioned and just being friendly.
A colleague I was working with in a project was severely overburdened with work. When he complained about the same to the project manager, the PM advised him that ‘you need to work on your time management skills’ rather than addressing the understaffing in the project.
Another colleague was labelled ‘difficult’ and ‘negative’ when he raised concerns about timely project completion due to expanding project scope in the beginning of the project. Never mind the fact that he turned out to be right by the end of the project.
Reason for Gaslighting
Companies need labour and employees need money. In a perfect world, this would be a straightforward exchange with neither party trying to take advantage of the other. But that cannot be as the power dynamic between a company and an employee is severely lopsided. Which means the company or some of its senior employees can abuse that power. And they can do that for many reasons.
To maintain control – By making employees question themselves, companies can prevent pushback or challenges to authority.
To avoid accountability – Instead of addressing mistakes, managers might blame employees or deny problems exist.
To suppress complaints – Employees who raise concerns about toxic work culture, unfair policies or unethical practices may be gaslighted to make them doubt their grievances.
To increase productivity through fear – Some companies believe that making employees feel insecure will push them to work harder, fearing job loss.
To protect a toxic culture – If a company has a history of favoritism, discrimination or unethical practices, gaslighting can be used to silence whistleblowers
So what should employees do? Well, first of all, trust your instincts. If something feels wrong then it probably is. Then document everything. Keep records of conversation, emails as a proof to counter gaslighting attempts. Reach out to trusted colleagues and mentors to validate your experiences. Do not be afraid to set boundaries. If someone challenges those boundaries, push back professionally. Now usually HR walks in lock step with upper management but sometimes reaching out to them can be useful. And finally, always keep the option of leaving open. If the gaslighting is systematic in that company then none of the above would work.
In today's day and age, gaslighting is never a one-off thing. People will try again and again until you succumb to their gaslighting attempts. Why, just yesterday my mom tried to feed me Bottle Gourd curry by saying ‘everybody who ate it, loved it and it is very healthy’ but I did not fall for it. There is an objective reality and anyone who tries to convince you otherwise, does not have your best interest at heart. You have to keep a lookout on gaslighting attempts and resist it with all your might. Gaslighting dims your inner light but the truth is always yours to reclaim. Trust your mind, stand your ground and let no one rewrite your story.